I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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