Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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