Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
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You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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