I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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