you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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