remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
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Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
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Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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