John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
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Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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