Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize