I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize