hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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