I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
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Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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