I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
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I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
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My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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