nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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