My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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