Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
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Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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