Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
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Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
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Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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