i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
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I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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