beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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