i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
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I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
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Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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