so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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