the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
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woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
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Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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