I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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