I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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