don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
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Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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