I wish my penis had an off switch
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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