My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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