A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
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I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
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I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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