I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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