Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
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Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
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Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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