don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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