Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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