You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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