Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
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She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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