I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
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we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
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Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize