I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
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She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
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When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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