Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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