I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
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Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
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You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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