she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
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he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
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YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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