the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
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you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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