I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
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i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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