A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize