You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
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Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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