Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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