The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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