Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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