yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
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He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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