i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
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