I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
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You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
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If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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