I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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