My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
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I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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